This blog is a summery of short segments from my manuscript: Walking with Scars. As a whole in its completed form as a book, it will give deep inside into my fight with depression, the trauma, the recklessness, self destructive times, and the days when taking a shower or trying to eat is way too much to take on. Days where it is already a step forward when you eat cold peas straight from the can. But also days when I feel whole, and happy.
Days where I am in awe about life and try to make the most out of every single day. Sometimes there is magic in everything when you know you might not be able to feel, hear or see it anymore a few days later. Or when you just slowly came out of a bad episode.
The simple fear of embarrassing myself by having a panic attack in public, ended life as I knew
it, and it just now slowly returns to a new normal. My first panic attack in 2010 scared me to death, and sent me to the Emergency Room since I thought I had a heart attack.
We lived in Alaska at the time and I loved it, but I had been on complete overload for a while, and didn’t ask for help. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, my marriage was falling apart, my aunt had suddenly died during a routine surgery, and we had lost my grandma not long before that. Long story short: Life scared the crap out of me! Everything seemed to have shifted. I ended up with sometimes 5-6 panic attacks in one day. Without warning, no matter where or when. It was hell.
To this day I did not completely regain the ability to handle crowded places. Breathing practices, techniques and a meditative mind are often hard to come by when you think you are dying. Which you don’t, and you know it, but it takes time to realize that. Every time! Extremely messed up, and a pretty pathetic feeling in so many ways. A strange and scary life.
I have heard many stories in my life from many people, and sometimes one had saved my life!
I hope mine will be one of them for you, and come into your life when you need it. I hope it can make
life a little easier with an understanding that we are never really alone.
It is said you have to be brave to share your story, to push your naked soul out into the
open. I don’t consider myself brave. I do consider myself devoted to help ending this stigma.
So it is finally normal to say that we are not ok. To seek help easily and talk about it. To share
the struggles and find comfort in one another.
There is always someone sitting somewhere on a way too cold bathroom floor, stumbling
through the battlefield the brain turned their life into. Helpless, and ashamed for a body, home,job,
and/or a family neglected. This is rough stuff for a person to handle!
Let’s move forward into times where it is ok to reach out. Where it is ok to ask a coworker or even a neighbor about how they are doing if something feels off. You might become that ONE person which made that difference. Times when asking for help is the most normal thing in the world.
I will keep you updated on the publication, and I hope and wish that you are kind to yourself during hard times. Have patience with yourself and others. It takes time to get better, as well as letting someone get better.
Love and Light,