Yesterday was the first time in many, many years were thoughts of dying caused by my depression could have easily turned into reality. The episode hit me completely unprepered like a freight train. I collapsed like a rag doll while trying to hold on to the dresser next to me.
I am considering myself very, very strong, having battled countless episodes, but within seconds my unbalanced, deeply depressed brain pushed its void into my body and mind. Just like my beloved glacier rivers in spring which turn into deadly forces of nature while making their way into the grounds deep below. My body screamed without a noise, and my mind darkened. I sank fast while my brain’s poison made its way through the roads, rivers and streams of my blood, reaching every inch of my body and mind like tar. In a weak place already caused by many recent life changes, I wasn’t so well and still tried to adapt. I had nothing to face this sudden life, and death battle my brain threw at me, even I had fought this for 28 years. How could this happen to me, knowing the signs, the triggers, the foreboding aches and pains…
Our brains fail us just like our hearts do at most unexpected times I guess.
Starring shocked into the growing nothing, my hands’ grip loosened, and fell into my lap like a white flag disregarded by the enemy. I felt the decease penetrating my soul. It had been so long since this happened. So long since the sacred grounds which kept my body bound to life, and loved ones here on earth was even close to be invaded by this deadly illness. Tears ran down my face in deep sadness, since I knew I drowned, slipped away, and the calm silence filled my soul, taking away any fear of death. ………. /.
I am writing this today to you, so you know I am still here. These few sentences took me about 6 hours. I want all of you to know that even when you reach that point, do not give in, and know that you are never alone.
Love, strength to you as always. Love and Light, Simone