What Now?! Live!

If you have just one person which would walk trough fire for you, just one person which has your back, sooner or later you want to be the best person you can be for them, and yourself – even during an episode, when you are paralyzed, there will be a lingering thought, a longing sooner or later to make that person happy simply by getting better. The smallest effort to show how grateful you are, for this friendship which burns so even and steadfast, so loyal, so unbelievable; 1000’s of miles away from poisoning judgements, but with a soul which recognizes, embraces yours. In your darkest hours, as well as the bright ones. ~~~~ Because sooner or later you will crawl into the shower, put on something clean, pick up some old pizza boxes, smelly blankets, and maybe spray some Febrize around your cave.

There will be days where you don’t even realize what day of the week it is, leave alone what time. I get that, but sooner or later you will come out of that hell, bit by bit, believe me, I’ve been there. —The quote: ” The bravest thing I ever did was staying alive when I didn’t want, too!! ~~~ Is very well known to us, to everyone who has this disease.

And then there is also the most mind blowing fuckery of it all!

The unthinkable happens: Something actually works. You are not able to climb mountains, but if you had too, you’d feel perfectly fine in base camp just taking in the view, and be more than ok with it. Your priorities shifted from THEM to ME. Expectations do not touch you because you are on your way out, on your way to get better, to live, to feel joy. You heal.

What the heck! All of us know even if some newly added meds’ work for a couple of days, we know it goes away. You get a little break, you feel normal, but that was it. Thanks for nothing! No matter the therapy sessions, affirmations, yoga, mindful meditations, and hard work being productive and ok — You still don’t believe it, that doses will have to be increased as always, and you will never feel like these first days: In peace. Just there. OK. Or even content.

After a couple of decades you tried everything, and you are so very tired of counting pills in order to get it right, to be good for 30 days – avoiding withdrawal because you became a slave of Xanax & Co, which at one point stopped your panic attacks, and now you realize that you just added a nightmare to your illness, in the most terrible way! Addiction.

Let’s go back to the initial thought: You tried some new meds after all. Tired and defeated you don’t really care.  Now the unbelievable happens, you sleep! Your bone, nerve- and muscle pain you experience during even small episodes: Also GONE. You wake up and you feel ok. Astonishing!

It’s beautiful! Nobody will ever understand unless going trough this hell nobody ever signed up for to begin with. Now days go by, you’re still ok. You can sleep, and you have zero thoughts of suicide.

You are ok, compared to days, weeks and months which Depression stole from your live, from your loved ones, from everybody! You are still in awe. ——- Then something happens: Life!  A dear friend might move away for a better job, your roommate found a cheaper place to live, and you are worried about how to pay the rent. Let’s even say someone very close to you is asking for a break. Everything just seems to crush down on you, and it is so messed up! It is easily forgotten that while you were ill, everyone’s lives went on. And it hurts, it sucks.

Any other time, you would numb the sadness, loss, anger by thinking:

” Whatever, if everything falls apart anyway, if it gets really bad, I just kill myself”. Well, calm down, this is a thought we all have at times. Better: To not exist! Even most of us never act on it, at one point it turned into a buffer between us and real life. – a way out, at least in your head.

And that is when your life becomes your canvas, a world nothing and nobody yet lives in. You create it. Even you have to start over again: Go give a homeless man a couple of dollars – look into his eyes. Now you will understand! You can do it! No matter how slow, be proud about even the smallest accomplishments. This will give you hope, and strength when going into the dark days again.



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