So what about all this:
All my entrees are thoughts and segments out of my script ‘Walking With Scars’, while I am still working on its completion, because I already want to offer hope, understanding, and artistically inspire others living like me with chronic illness.
The book will hopefully be an offer for motivation, a well as guidance, artistic inspiration; and also a roundup of my own struggles and experiences with depression, trauma, self destructive times, and anxiety which at one point a few years ago started to result in severe panic attacks which were new to me then, and scared me to death.
These altered my social life for a very long time. My whole life actually. I still did not regain the complete ability to handle crowded places at times. The simple fear of embarrassing myself by having an attack in public with no way to retreat in time to start breathing again, and calm my racing heart and mind, is enough to keep me away from life as I knew and enjoyed it. Breathing practices, techniques and a meditative mind are often hard to come by when you think you are dying. Which you don’t. But it takes time to realize that. Every time! Extremely messed up by the way – and a pretty pathetic feeling in so many ways.
Hopefully I can help many others who are walking this strange, scary path of life with an artistic soul, and an often so very heavy heart. We can do this, and I believe we need to reach out and help one another.
“I have heard many stories in my life from many people, and sometimes one of them has saved my life.” So let this be one of them.
It is said you have to be brave to share your story, to push your naked soul out into the open. I don’t consider myself brave. I do consider myself devoted to make sense of it all. After 40 years of living with severe depression, and a creative soul, my stories hopefully give hope, understanding, companionship, hopefully even save a life, or make another one better for the whole family involved.
You are never alone in your struggles!
There is always someone sitting somewhere on a way too cold bathroom floor, suffering through the war their brain inflicts on them. A life undone. A body neglected. A home, friends and loved ones’ unable to be seen as what they are. Self doubt temporarily poured like venom into our veins. Lost hope and darkness poison in our hearts and souls. But we will get out again. We must believe that. Always.
These are ghosts, as I said before – and they don’t exist, but as symptoms in our body and mind. This is also a physical illness which isn’t always understood by those not suffering this disease. Scream at your ghosts, fight them and don’t give up.
I know they are all too real during those times of darkness. Be kind to yourself and understand you are ill right now. As others should realize as well – and even if they don’t, know that there is no time frame on getting well again, no matter their expectations.
Know that it’s also hard to understand for many, how severe side effects of medication needed to get better can be on your body. Try to explain this also to yourself. The pain all-together can be terrible enough – try to be as good and as patient with yourself as you possibly can.
If I would have had an easy life, a life with no fear, no failures, without all this darkness and so little hope, a life with no thoughts or acts of self-destruction, and so much self doubt; I would have not started this script. Because I would have not known.
If I would have lived my whole life with severe depression, but without a moment of absolute faith, absolute happiness, absolute hope, absolute love, absolute bliss and at one point or another, stood at some spot in the world in absolute wonder, and have felt out of this world alive, I would have also never considered writing this.
Love, Light and Strength as always!