I received a simple sentence in an email last night: “When is it time for me to seek help?” Nine words, light as a feather on this hot August day, and the low rolling rumble, of a thunderstorm moving in.
My reply has been a complete different one of course, and I have hope the smile will very soon be back in her heart. Be encouraged you will find the way back, and that those helping hands know what they are doing. At the end, life is wonderful and messy, happy and sad, and everything in between, and all along we will find our way back to stronger, brighter days. Believe!
We are nature. We are not a NOW, we are an ALWAYS. We are made of some tough stuff!
But here still just a few, completely random examples from my own experience:
It is time, when you walk through a deep forest illuminated by the afternoon sun, passing by sparkling little green still-lives, which a dancing soul aches to capture in sheer wonder on any given day, but you feel nothing.
It is time, when you forget if you ate today, even it is already getting dark outside.
It is time, when someone you loved deeply all your life passes away, and with her, all those golden childhood memories she gave you in her selfless, kind ways, but you feel nothing.
It is time, when you can’t feel God anymore.
It is time, when you loath your bed to a point of hate.
It is time, when you wander aimlessly through your house and don’t see a familiar thing, nor know what day or time it is.
It is time, when your naked feet can’t feel the temperature of the floor they walk on.
It is time, when you start being unable to complete those seemingly simple tasks, because you just can’t wrap your mind around the process of how to even start them.
It is time, when you look outside the window and see nothing.
It is time, when loving, caring words of those around you make you climb up the walls, because you can’t make them feel better showing appreciation for a kindness you are unable to comprehend, or find a place to put.
It is time, when physical touch hurts your skin or repulses you.
It is time, when you pick up your favorite books, and can’t make sense of a word, because your mind has the attention-span of a two year old.
It is time, when the walk to your mailbox, and the possibility of running into a neighbor, throws you into a panic attack.
It is time, when you are so numb that you’d give your life to just feel a damn thing.
It is time, when your soul is already so far away, that the realization you’re still desperately holding on to it, is the only thing that can actually make you cry.
It is way time, when all you do, is stare into nothing, as your brain unleashes emotional rape on your body and soul; because there seemingly isn’t a thing you can do, to make it stop right now.
But the darkness rolling over me will stop! I never know when. But it will stop!
And I remember one morning after such a battle.
I sat on the concrete stairs leading out to the garden from the kitchen; a cup of coffee in my hand. I could smell the coffee beans, and the wet grass of an early morning under my naked feet. I could hear birds, and the slight rattle of the branches as the breeze touched them. I ran my fingertips over the old screen door and was amazed by the sensation of it. There was life all around me again, sounds and smells and things to touch. It was an early morning in May of 2014.
I could also feel God again. In everything. I had regained my ability to feel and see, and knew he was there all along as always. This was not the first time I was reminded of birth when coming out of an episode like that.
Love and Strength! You got this! Simone