( Photo above: The Glitter of the first frost on an autumn leave on a walk with my dogs. Side: Denali lodge in mid September) It is said that the world has changed. Is has been said throughout the centuries. The world has changed. Over and over again, and with it the realization that change is the only constant in our life. Still we are dreamers. Still we make plans. Still we have hopes.
The turn of the seasons and their return is a reassuring comfort the circle of life provides. Each year we watch the beautifully colored leafs falling, with a good cup of coffee, and a smile in our hearts.
When the snow flakes cling to our kitchen window, and the first fire roars in the wooden stove, we venture outside in our warm winter clothes to breathe in that crisp air and think of simpler times. Times where this was all we needed to be happy. Our soul is whole for a moment. Life is good.
The best way I can deal with the constant change of life is by creating a simpler one. That prevents a cluttered mind which again prevents me from completely falling apart the moment something happens. I think of all the little things that give me joy, keeping in mind what we really need. Like picking up a random blanket, a sweater, a pillow case or scarf, and feel it, hold it against my face and decide if it’s worth keeping. A look around the room let’s me know what is close to my heart. My problem lays with books and interior design magazines, even I have downsized a lot already. There was a time where I incorporated my books into every room’s decor. I used them as side tables, and accidentally spilled the coffee, I used them as centerpieces, the same again, I used them leaning against the wall as art with a string light over it, but the dogs started eating the corners of the hardcovers. So……that part I haven’t yet figured out. Often enough I fall off the wagon all together, but I will get there. Gotta have faith!
In times when all is well with my soul, I have to say it out loud, so I won’t forget when times get tough. During those times I also work on my inner landscape. That place I go to when I am scared and unsettled. Everyone should have one, probably does, even if not aware. Mine is a forest with ancient broken stone walls, overgrown with moss and ivy. I lay on a big weathered square boulder perfectly still and just breathe. It sits in front of the open windows of my old bedroom in the flat I used to live in, and I can see the long, white curtains moving in the breeze, slowly caressing the old, worn hardwood floor with it’s hems. My old bed is still there, and a candle is lit in my little pink glass holder on the window sill. It broke so long ago. Sometimes the church bells ring, the old bell of the medieval catholic church is my favorite. On those days the sun is out and I think of days when I’d get ready to head over to my parents for brunch, and there would be flowers, always flowers, lots of them. But most of the time I just lay there, or in the canopy of the trees, hidden away from everyone, trying to calm my racing heart or numb the fear or sadness in my head. It is a good place to have. A safe place.
With the change in my life I learned a lot about myself.
That I don’t like it. That it makes me stronger, but just after it took from me what I loved. That sucks! That I can’t, but did, try to hide from it in order not to get hurt, just to almost get destroyed. It won’t go away. But change also gave me happiness and peace. Gave me children, which I now have to learn to let go, and encourage in their endeavors to fly and create a happy life of their own. Painful change again! And losses, more losses every year, and more to come. At the end I learned to use my time wisely, because the days I have the energy to be strong, productive, really alive and able to withstand blows are always limited.
Living with depression is like constantly having to prepare meals for when you’re gone, or making sure the house is clean while away. I have to love deep, I laugh a lot, I try to do more in less time, listen a lot to those which could be gone way to soon, and indulge in reading, creating, watching, feeling everything as much as I can. It’s not a bad way of living, its just a different way of living. It took a long time for me to understand that.
Life became much easier since then.