“Don’t make yourself out being the victim!” I have heard this sentence so often over a period of so many years! Every time I had put a voice to an emotion in certain years I would hear: “Don’t make yourself look like you’re the victim here!”
What in the world…………!? Exactly!
I am telling you something. You, and all the other beautiful women you out there, no matter your age, religion, color, origin, taste in clothes or the way you look at yourself, and others these days. If anybody ever uses this sentence frequently on you; if they almost use it daily, especially after you try to avoid an uncomfortable situation by leaving a room, the house, or just climb into your invisible safe place and start just being quiet: RUN!
I, for example, have always had a problem with choleric men. They scare me because my father had been one when I was a child. It intimidated and scared the crap out of me. He had changed completely in that aspect over the last 35 years, and I have long, long forgiven him, but I have never felt as helpless, small and diminished; so utterly defeated in a war I didn’t know how to fight, and with no place to run to. Because the battlefield was my home. The place I come back to, and curl up after a bad day, feel loved and taken care of. I was five, and was used to falling asleep with a pillow over my head, hoping my parents voices wouldn’t get louder, whispering in my mind to my mother. She was surely not perfect, but none of us were. I didn’t know what my mother could have possibly done to deserve this, and it was frightening, and there was nothing I could do, because I was little, and he would get more angry if I’d turn on their lights, and run into the room crying, telling him to leave her alone. I knew better already.
So I whispered on, asking her to be quiet, just let him talk, don’t talk back, just don’t. Let him scream and say those mean things until he tired himself out, just don’t say anything. I don’t know why he is saying these things, but just don’t speak. I will be there for you tomorrow. I love you. Talk to me, not to him.
She didn’t hear my whispering, and she wouldn’t be quiet, because he was mean and insulting and she wouldn’t take it. And that’s when it always got worse, and my heart sank.
I want to give you HOPE, and FAITH, and let you know that it is ok to be human, with all of your imperfections and weaknesses, and have a happy home you feel loved and safe in.
“Don’t think you are the victim here!”, was a sentence I early learned to loath. In my heart I knew no matter what my mother might have said or done daily, she didn’t DESERVE that, and that he was just fishing for reasons to blame, insult, shame and ridicule her!! I realized that some people in our lives believe, we have no right to be in tears, sad or heartbroken over their words and actions, because we DESERVED them.
NO! NO! Take a very close look at the person doing this to you. That’s not love.
I am begging you as that little girl I used to be, as well as a mother, and a woman: Don’t ever let that happen to you. You do not deserve any of that! No matter how imperfect you believe you are, no matter your mistakes, or how much better in any aspect of your life you believe you should be, you never deserve to be treated like that. Don’t be manipulated and intimidated….and NO! You’re not crazy. I am absolutely certain that God loves you the way you are. Our daily struggles are not new to him. (Or the universe, Buddha, (please fill in..)
My father killed those demons inside of him decades ago, and my mother was able to forgive him. He has been ashamed and saddened by his behavior those early years, and did everything to make up for what had happened. My father was an angry man. As was his father, and his…… that is also another article in the making. At least he didn’t play the This Never Happened Game. Because as you probably know, that is a common one. If you mess up, if you make a mistake, if you have crossed the line – talk. Don’t feel you need to take punishment for what all day life throws at us.
I have learned this lesson the hard way. But that doesn’t mean I was smart enough to recognize warning signals early on. I ran into it again, this time being on the other side of the story. But that is another chapter.
With the knowledge and abilities one has at the time, they try their best I guess, but that doesn’t mean you need to take their shit.
As always, Love and Strength! Simone’