( The above photo was taken by me in a studio session with a dear friend, which is also a fellow photographer. Respect the intellectual property of others. All rights reserved. Simone van Hove-Emery Photography)
Sometimes I close my eyes to see you, to feel and sense what is invisible to me when I read all of your posts. The pain, the loneliness and loss of hope is so very familiar, but easier to conquer if it is my own. It is also easy for me to tell each and every one of you that you are not alone, when in reality it is you looking in that mirror, holding on to yourself and trying not to drown. I myself find comfort in reading the stories of those who have overcome the suffering, and of those who keep on fighting. So I will also not give up on you, and do what I am able to, so you hopefully believe in life again and get through this.
It is an unfair battle. But as long as you are still here there is a fair chance to crawl from where you were laying broken, and to walk from where you crawled, and if you can stand up and walk a few steps, that’s a start.
I have read so many blog posts yesterday from people all over the world calling out for help, and some did never receive a comment. I wonder what had happened to them. Some wouldn’t get an appointment with a physician for weeks, which can be a death sentence, and I am blinded with sadness by the fact of so very many receiving no help at all.
Sharing my experience with you, my own wisdom, which came with each descent, and with each ascent out of that abyss; that I have been at the lowest point one could possibly reach without dying, is all I can offer you. Hopefully a comforting truth, and the absolute fact,(!) that the hell you are going through will pass. I cannot tell you how long it will last, and I truly hope you will receive the help you need soon, but if you literally are alone, don’t give up. Just don’t. Why?! You will ask, as did I at that point. Why bother if nobody cares anyway, and you couldn’t care less during these moments to begin with. But what you experience are symptoms of an illness, severe symptoms, and not real thoughts. Your brains chemistry is off, like a temporarily failing hard drive, your brain doesn’t know what it’s doing. Your body responds with pain and aches, as it tries to figure out what is going on, and how to heal itself.
So if you think you are forgotten by the world, that is not so. If you think that not showering for days or tidying up the house, where you used to be a clean freak, is abnormal, it’s absolutely not. Nothing actually is during those times of darkness. Do what works for you, and understand that there is no timeline one can set on when to be better – others should be aware of the fact that you cannot control this. Hopefully you are in good hands and have a doctor that cares for you, and helps you with the symptoms. Listen to what they have to say. You will get well again!
Some thoughts for others:
Every other day we hear another actor or singer committed suicide. Thousand’s in the shadows. The unbelievable pain one must be in to escape through death is unspeakable. I wonder if those not afflicted ever bothered to ask themselves why in the world one would hang themselves in the shower or a wardrobe, where there is absolutely no way of a quick, painless death! It is long and horrific. Or why one would take an overload of a questionable mix of pills, with zero knowledge of how the body will react to them. It’s gruesome, and the individual is most likely very well aware of it. Choosing those horrors over a life with the illness depression, should now hopefully drive home the fact that it truly is: A DISEASE!
Don’t ridicule, try to be aware. Be compassionate and offer your help. Just as you would want to be treated if you were ill! Love and Strength!