(Photo from my Collection: Winter Nights) —— All that I have written in this blog so far is just a small part of the script I am working on. This is just what I want to share with those who might never be able to read it, and also for the few stumbling over the tag on my WordPress page, and desperately need to know they are not alone. That is an important, reassuring fact for family members, too. Don’t give up on your loved ones! You are not forgotten and you are not alone. You are truly not. No matter how low you think you have fallen, believe me, someone out there has fallen deeper, and some of them now have a corner office in Manhattan, are in congress, write books, hold classes, some even became the President of the United States of America.
No matter how low, soiled, forgotten, broke, isolated, and worthless you think you are! Get up! Try to take a shower. Sleep on a clean sheet. Fight. Fight. Fight. Sit in the hallway naked but clean with your head on your knees and cry, but you are one step further than before. You can make it! Eat peas out of the can if that’s all you have, dry bread, throw an egg in a cup in the microwave, it will all taste like shit but it will keep you going. Drink water! Force yourself to eat. Force yourself to drink water or juice. If you can, call your physician. If you can’t, try to take your meds, your vitamins. You will forget, so put a notepad next to the medicine cabinet, and X it off so you know you took them. Don’t ever take more than your physician prescribed. If you have narcotics, throw them into the toilet and flush them.
Some of the greatest inventions in modern history, and some of the greatest discoveries in modern medicine, were made by those who lived in between these two worlds. I have met people so very successful, one would never guess how deep they have fallen at one point or another, and still do. Read up on history in your good days, and you will understand that you do have a war to fight, but also much to win. And there is a way out for you as well, at least for some time. At least for more than a while, and I will tell you what I do, to prolong the times to stay out of the abyss when I feel it coming. Sometimes also we are just simply our own crown of thorns.
Many years ago when I was in a terrible place, I was laying in the bathtub calling one of my best friends, telling her that I will spend my last money on the most expensive bottle of champagne, the actual stuff from the Champagne in France which tastes like golden bliss on your tongue, I was to go down in style, one last decadence in a world so very painful and dull. I then would check out happily and die in peace. I cried and cried, telling her that I was just done! I couldn’t do this any longer, that I was tired, so very tired of fighting. She told me to get my shit together or call 911, and I’d better have some of that champagne left when she’d come and check on me in the morning after her shift. Sometimes we need someone to call us out, and just tell us they will be there. But this can be a very small and dangerous path to walk on. Especially when alcohol is involved, so stay away from it when you feel yourself slipping. All easier said than done, I know, but you can try. Try hard!
My mother is recovering from breast cancer. She tells me about the fact that somehow people expect her to snap out of it, like there is a certain time frame she is supposed to return to society, intact, in style , able, and entertaining. Cancer doesn’t need a bandage. Chemo doesn’t come with a cast on your leg or crutches. My mother is the strongest person I have ever met next to my mother in law, and my mother gave hope to so many others in the midst of being at the lowest point of her life, facing death. And if it is your belief that depression in any form is for those unfit for society, than I wholeheartedly advise you to back off, and I hope that you will never, ever get ill, in a way where people can’t see you are, and to top it of be surrounded by your own kind. Because you will be the kid up there in a lonely room, sitting at that window, watching the other children play. Day after day, season after season, and nobody will ever look up. There is always time to learn. Always time to reach out. Maybe today is a good day.